Happy Day of the Virgin of Caacupe!

Saturday December 8

I don’t know why I haven’t been able to sleep well recently. I’m slightly stuffy still, but really exhausted, so you think that wouldn’t be a problem. It’s hot now, but only 34’, manageable. I think my mind is just racing….

Still not sure exactly what I’ll do when I get back to the US, please don’t ask. It freaks me out that this will really be a reality soon, that my time here is really coming to an end. The looming question, of course, is was it worth it, or did I make a difference, or any other of way to phrase it to gauge whether I did what I was supposed to do here. What was I supposed to do here again? Some days it really worries me that I haven’t done enough, that so many times I’ve taken the easy way out..

But the problem is, how do you measure the “work” done here, the “difference” made? Again my thoughts turn to that crazy Columbian woman, Marisol, who stormed in over a year ago and tried all sorts of projects to “help” the community. In her mind, and on paper, she did a lot of good – she created a high school library, she taught teachers many new games and activities, she got high school teachers to take on new projects, she offered the opportunity to go to a teaching conference in Argentina. But having the perspective of seeing what it’s like here now that she’s gone, I know that there’s very little she really accomplished – no one uses the library, only a few teachers even remember the songs she taught, the teachers never did a thing about the projects she assigned, and everyone was embarrassed at the idea of going to a huge conference bc it’s so out of the range of possibilities – they all have families to take care of and can’t just pick up and leave for a week, much less pay for food the whole time. So I do think that, while certainly well-intentioned, she did more harm than good. Sustainability is the hardest thing but maybe the most important.

So have I done good, sustainable good? Hopefully I’ve at least done no harm. I’ve refused to take things on that the people here should be doing – for example, this morning when the nurse didn’t show up for our weekly radio show, I didn’t do it alone. I’ve tried to create learning circles so that the teachers have a forum to share questions and help each other grow as professionals, but I’m not optimistic that those’ll survive once I’m gone (especially since we didn’t hold one the entire last half of this year because of all that crazy politicking). One of the most interesting changes I’ve seen here is that there are now several groups of women who go walking every day – taking charge of their own health, seeing the benefits of daily exercise – and that’s simply a by product of my running, something that I did strictly for myself. I think that as an unmarried childless 31-year old woman living alone, I’ve been a good example, or at least an alternative example, for young women here as to what options exist for them. The AIDS work and family planning and radio programs and all that certainly have the potential to have given people information needed to take control of and improve their health. And hopefully every time I smile with my mouthful of clean white teeth someone’s inspired to brush their own. Those are things that can’t be measured and aren’t even my primary function here, according to my job description.

But my job description also entails living here, integrating into the culture of Paraguay. And this is when I realize that I’ve learned so much more than I’ve taught in these two years. I’ve learned so much about myself and what I value, about Americans and what we take for granted and think is important, and how to find my place in the gray areas of all that. It gets cheesy, I know. But I think that this has been one of the more selfish things I’ve ever done – this experience has changed me in so many ways. Or made me more of what I already was but didn’t know it yet? Something like that. I don’t have it all figured out yet.

My dentist thinks that I have been having so many dental issues because I’ve started grinding my teeth at night. She wants me to get a night guard. Apparently my tranquilo days are causing some stressed-out nights. I’m going to start doing more yoga too.