What Do I Want to Be When I Grow Up???

It’s the question that I think I’m going to be answering a zillion times when I’m back in the States later this month, and the short answer is “I Don’t Know Yet. But I’m Working on It.” Here are some preliminary, work-in-progress thoughts:

-I would consider staying in Paraguay another six months or year. There are several options: working as a coordinator for PC, which I wouldn’t want bc it’d mean I’d be living in Asuncion, or working for a non-governmental organization. It might be nice to gain more experience in actually working in community development (since I feel like I am more living than working right now sometimes), and it makes sense to do that while I’m still in Paraguay, where I know the languages and culture and such. But I’m not sure. Another option would be a PC job in a different country, or even in the US.

-Sometimes (especially since my 31st birthday) I think it’s time for me to go back to the States, settle down with a job and apartment and such. 23 year old kids can think about traveling and mucking about for a few years, but I should be thinking more about real life. If I go back, I’m pretty certain I’d only want to live in New York.

-I’m done with teaching. It was a great experience, I don’t regret it for a minute, but drilling kids on vocabulary for state exams is not what I want to do any more. I’m not excited either about working in a charter school or other non-exam environment. I think I’m more of a problem-solver than a teacher – I like to create systems and build new structures for doing things, and for a while that fit well with teaching – how can I set something up so that more kids’ll do their homework?? I certainly didn’t solve all those problems, but it’s just not something I want to continue with.

-However, I am a good teacher. I like being in front of a group, I’m good at explaining things and facilitating activities and such. Maybe the teacher-training thing I’m (sort of) doing now would be a good fit. I love also doing workshops for parents here, designing activities and little games and teaching people stuff, or helping people to think about what they already know.

-I want to work internationally. I really feel strongly about working for justice, stopping poverty, etc, and I’d absolutely love to work for the UN (I am obsessed with the Millennium Development Goals). However it seems that those jobs are super-hard to get and require an advanced degree, which I don’t have yet. I could go back to school for community development something or other, and Fordham offers free tuition for returned PCVs, so that’s one option. I don’t know if I want to go to school again though, especially for a new career (which I’d be starting at 34 or so!!). You may recall that I received my master’s in teaching social studies exactly four months before I quit that profession. I’d like to plan a little better this time. Though it’s not like that degree was for nothing. I’m thinking there’s got to be a way to do something like training teachers abroad for the purpose of community development.

-Would Latin America be my thing? I’ll have lived here for a total of nearly 3 years, be fluent in the language and have insight into the culture. Or, having had the experience here, will I want to be open to working in Africa or other places? My BBC Worldservice radio programs come from Africa, so I can get a daily dose of African politics and sports (cricket news, anyone?) and can’t help but be fascinated by it. So will the job be the thing, and the location secondary? Or would that be kind of a waste of the specialization I’m on my way to creating??

-If I go back to the States, will I go back right away? Or should I take advantage of being down here and travel around and make it back in a few months? Watching the Motorcycle Diaries always gets my heart beating to buy a motorcycle (or more likely a car) and drive my way back up. If I don’t do it now, will I ever have another chance??
Though I can use that argument for going to the Amazon, and Macchu Picchu, and Antarctica, and Colombia, and anything else. Truth is, I know I’ll make time throughout my life to travel so I’m not necessarily feeling pressed to go right now. But it could be fun…..

?????????????

Too many questions! Though I have to be excited that I even have the ability to make a list like this. It helps I think to have to explain myself to an audience – I keep a personal journal but it’s very different to be writing a blog. I don’t think I’ve ever been able to think so clearly about what I want and what I am capable of, and I am confident that the answers will become clearer over time. I tend to get all into the detailed questioning and then let things settle for a while and the questions kind of resolve themselves. Si Dios quiere….

PS – one week later, and these questions are freaking me out somewhat. I DON’T KNOW WHAT I WANT TO DO. And while it’s nice to be in a situation where I can muse it over for a while and think about my options, I don’t think I’ve ever been in this position before. I’ve always known what I wanted, or at least what I thought I wanted at the time. I’ve never been a thinker – I just do. When I visited William and Mary it just felt right. My gut told me that I should be a teacher and not a lawyer, and the next day I changed my major. I bought the first car I saw in Detroit. I didn’t get the City Year job I wanted in DC so I decided that teaching in New York is it. I decided to join the Peace Corps after a movie and yoga and never looked back. I’m not one to analyze and agonize, at all it seems, even when the decisions are really big. And it seems to work for me. So where’s the next big moment of clarity????